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dear whoever;
August 13th, 2010
Dear whoever;
I didn’t sleep all that well yesterday night. It was a restless sleep and I continued to wake up… I had a… dream; or nightmare (you could call it that). It seemed… so real…
We were sitting at a crowded lunch table… Me and my best friend (B.F.) were at the end of the table. There were no words spoken between us… Just silence. He had nothing to say to him, during that silence… I just knew, I had nothing to say to him back. I got up from my squished spot at the lunch table and walked away. I never looked back so I don’t know if he watched me walk away or not.
My dream is practically one of my biggest fears at the moment. I don’t think that he knows how much I care for him. And I don’t think he ever will. He my one and onlu best friend. He makes me feel safe. And needed. I only hope that he views me kind of the same way; at least as a good best friend. I’m holding onto the last strings; and… I need him more than ever…
I’m so afraid that he’ll end up enjoying E.C.’s company… which means that he’ll choose their side… and when or if he does… I don’t know how i’ll handle it… everything…
I always thought that B.F. was/is closer to me than M.H.R. … but I don’t know… M.H.R. knew B.F. before I did… so who knows… Not that I think that he would choose sides… it’s just a curious thought.
It’s actually not a curious thought… It’s more of a “I need to know!!” thought. I want to be prepared if he ends up choosing M.H.R. … I wasn’t prepared when she left and it really just triggered a lot in my life… and I don’t want to go through that again… I ask my sister daily to text him and ask him whose side he’ll choose. But everyday she denys me. Maybve she’s trying to protect me from what he might say… If she is, it’s hurting me ever more by denying me everyday…
But who am I kidding!? I’ll never know in advance. I won’t be able to be prepared; and I’ll just have to take it as it comes. Continue to hope that everything is going to be okay…
Sincerly,
A.P.
